Captain Awesome’s Week That Was…..
Saturday ( 10/9 ) – Watched Tennessee get smoked by Georgia and at this point in the season, it still hurts to see them lose, but around the 4th Quarter start, I was just laughing at the football buffoonery that I was witnessing….
- Helped my dad cut up a tree…. He was using a handsaw…. A HANDSAW to cut it down…. In 2010…. A HANDSAW….. This is akin to someone saying they’re going to wash the clothes, then pulling out a metal tub and a washboard….. He kept throwing wayward limbs in my general direction, where I shouted up to him “ You’re going to kill me, madman! “, then he’d take a sip of his Old Milwaukee attached to his ‘ car cup holder / waistband beer holder ‘ and shouts back “ Trees never kill anyone, dumb@ss! “ …. Soon after, I run inside and pull up “ 500 people killed annually worldwide from trees “ on his computer….INTERNET JUSTICE SHALL BE MINE!!!! …. He sees article later and loudly exclaims ( while drinking another beer ) “ Yeah, it says this on a site called ‘ yahoo ‘ …. You know what yahoo meant when I was a kid?! It meant ‘ CRAZY!!!!! “ , like this stupid internet made up junk, who counts this stuff anyways?! Waldo?! He seems to be everywhere! “ …. * sigh *
- Hung out with The Colorado Kid that night…. She’s a cool cat. She offers me good conversations and those are highly underrated…. If way hotter guys were to take this approach with girls, instead of a girl going “ hi, my name is * insert girl name here * “ and then they respond with “ wanna fuck?! “, they might actually get laid far more often that what they actually do….. We sat around, drank some beer and I’m pretty sure she was completely horrified with my Fred Durst impersonation to ‘ Break Stuff ‘ …. And by ‘ horrified ‘ , I absolutely mean completely turned on…. It was just shortly after that she told me I was ‘ second string dick ‘ , not in those exact terms, but that’s the gist of it…. Most, might have taken this badly, but I was ok with it, considering I was probably 85th string before that rousing performance….
Sunday (10/10 ) – The Braves…… Where to begin….. Trailing 2-1 I nthe bottom of the 8th, my boy, Eric Hinske hits a 2 run homer to put the Braves up 3-2 going into the top of the 9th….. All the Braves had to do, to take a 2 games to 1 lead in the series and only need to win one more game to advance to the Championship series, was to record three outs, THREE OUTS, in the top of the 9th….. What happened… A calamity….. A travesty….. And both those adjectives, when deciphered by multiplying the number of letters in each word by 12, divded by 67, multiplied by 5 and then completely rearranged spell “ Brooks Conrad “ ….. He made a Bill Buckner – like error that led to the Giants winning the game and breaking mine and thousands of other Braves fans hearts….. I also got so pissed when he made that error, that I slammed my fist down on a desk and sliced open my finger….. I put the receipt in an enveloped, for the bandaids I had to purchase, and sent them to the Atlanta Braves and Brooks Conrad, let’s see if I get reimbursed….
- Went to Hooters and after Calebrity, who tried everything in his power to not show up and hang, he finally decided that hanging with me was a tad more fun, than sitting alone in his newly acquired and still not unpacked apartment….. We had fun…. I think we should start a podcast with us sitting at Hooters talking, but then I think “ we’d probably be sued by everyone we know for defamation of character “ ,so it’s probably best for us to continue to shit talk everyone and admire the talent in orange shorts…..
Monday ( 10/11 ) – Typical Monday….. Just wanted to make it through…. Worked, then went to the gym, then watched Wrestling…. I really don’t get why EXTREMELY overweight people go to the gym…. I was annoyed that I had to use another machine, because there were two EXTREMELY large women using mine…. And here’s my problem for that…. I’m all for them working out and trying to better their health and get hot, so I can potentially bang them after they get skinny, but still have fat-girl low self esteem I can exploit…. So anyways, these two girls, as is the case with most OVERLY large people at the gym, are on MY machine and barely moving the feetpad up and down, I mean we’re talking about they were probably going about, and this is being generous, -.25 MPH….. And the whole time…. Talking about the new Frito themed menu items at Taco Bell….
Seems really productive to losing weight, right?!
Tuesday ( 10/12 ) – Worked and then Hung out with THE Tenacious D…. We’ve been friends for awhile…. We first met when we both worked at Old Navy in Opry Mills and I’ve always found her friendship to be important, and I knew she’d be a good friend because she didn’t get weirded out when I first approached her to talk….
I was going through a BADLY RIDICULOUS breakup…. And I had overheard her going through or had gone through the same thing and we were around the same age, so I decided to talk to her about that… In the most logical way EVER in approaching the subject, I left her a rolled up note half hanging out of her locker at work, because that’s not entirely too creepy or anything, right?! …. ANYWAYS, the reason I chose this route, is because I was a mentally destroyed person at that time, that’s what happens when the circus moves into your living room one night and your significant other tells you she’s been cheating on you with 7 different people…. So, leaving a note, seemed normal….
So, instead of being creeped out and filing a restraining order, she was actually nice and we started talking and developed a friendship, that I’m sure to this day, she sorta/kinda regrets forming, because I’m like that mangy, flea covered dog with glaucoma and a burned tail that you feed one time and continues to come around and you’re like “ oh great….. here we go “ …. Everytime he shows up….
So yeah, we hang out and I spend about three hours unveiling this master plan I’ve been working on for a few months and spent a lot of hours formulating….
Her response…. I’m pretty sure she’s still laughing at the absurdity….
Eh…. That’s why I’ve always respected her…. Most friends would be like “ yeah, sounds good “ just to be supportive…. Not her…. She’ll bust your balls and make you question everything…. And, if I wasn’t the smartest person alive, I MIGHT listen to her….. HA
She picks up my beers, which is what she did three weeks ago…. Pretty sure she’s a high roller…. She’s in the law field, so I think everyone employed at a law office is off the charts rich, even file runners…. They make a million, right ?! and the lawyers make a gazillion billion a year….. I think that’s correct….
But Tenacious D is one of my best three friends…. And I value her friendship and opinion on things, even though most of the time they are different than mine, which makes them incredibly wrong…. Right?!
Wed ( 10/13 ) Work, Work, Work….. I actually like my workplace and the work, so I hardly ever complain about it… I just spent most of the day waiting to go to Karaoke….
Which I did… With The Colorado Kid…. I told her to prepare her mind for the awesomeness of what she was about to witness when I take the stage…. I don’t know if I should take this as a slight, but she ordered 2 screwdrivers and a margarita before my first song….. I took it as her trying to match the feeling she was about to get by watching the GREATEST and HOTTEST karaoke performer of all time take stage…. And, of course, that was a losing effort, because NOTHING can match that feeling of unabashed delight….. I rocked it to “ Heart of Rock N Roll “ , “ T-R-O-U-B-L-E “ , “ America ( duet of Neil Diamond POWER ballad with the greatest karaoke DJ around – Jason ), and “ Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now “ …. I was a little let down by my last performance….. Because I am so great at what I do, I overstep my abilities sometimes…. I can’t carry a duet without a partner and that’s what I tried to do on the last song…. It was hard switching from a normal voice to a high pitched voice…. It was rough…. That’s why I only give that performance a 9 out of 10 stars, compared to the 10.5 out of 10 stars I normally award myself….
Got rug burns on my knee, and no it’s not from what you think, I rocked out the air guitar on the final song and hit my knees for a guitar solo…. Ah, what I won’t do for my craft…. I lay it all on the lie…. A warrior, A champion…..
We leave, I take The Colorado Kid home and she puts on a Japanimation movie and it was good until I fell asleep petting a pussy...... CAT..... Her cat, sheesh... get your mind out of the gutter ya filthy animals!
Thursday ( 10/14 ) – Spent all day working and the only highlight of this day was counting down the hours until I get the kids Friday and listening to Walt Flanagan’s hilarious story about his Postal Service experience done on the special episode of ‘ Tell Em Steve Dave ‘ …..
Let me take this moment to extol the virtues of the best podcast on the planet…. I love ‘ Tell ‘em Steve Dave ‘ ….. Adore is probably a better word…. When a new episode is not available, I usually will listen to an archived one and laugh my head off at the absurdity….
It’s a comedy podcast about life in general done by Bryan Johnson and Walt Flanagan, two of Kevin Smith’s longtime friends….. How good is this podcast?! for those that know me, I worship at the bathrobe waist - tying string thingies of Kevin Smith… But these two guys have completely won me over and replaced ‘ Smodcast ‘ – The Kevin Smith/Scott Mosier weekly podcast, as the best podcast and funniest podcast around…. If you just want to laugh your head off and revel in the stories of debauchery and irreverent humorous anecdotes that happen in their life, this is the show for you…. Plus, they have Brian Quinn on the show, who is the hair follicle version of me…. He’s never met a vag he didn’t want to pound and he’s drawn to attached/married vag more than just the normal everyday vag that anyone can have….. A man after my own heart….
Anyways, for those that respect my comedy opinion, I suggest you listen to this podcast and prepare to laugh your head off as tears stream down your face as you try to keep the shit escaping your shute inside your ass because it’s that funny at some points….
http://www.smodcast.com/stevedave/
Friday ( 10/15 ) - IT'S KID DAY... THe best days ever.... I get the kids today for the weekend.... It's badass. They're the best kids God could ever create... You know, with the help of my Superman semen.... Actually, that's a horrible analogy, because Superman is so queer and stupid... He's an alien, how can anyone rally behind an extraterrestrial.... An extraterrestrial whose weakness is a mineral.... A MINERAL, let that sink in for awhile....
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