I'm Done With The Vag

I, Matt Nichols, being of sound mind ( not really ) and sound body ( ‘ helloooooooo, greek gods, glad I could join you ‘…. ) do hereby officially make it known that I am swearing off girls for a period of time not specific to a certain time, but not for the duration of my male life either…. The reasons for this drastic declaration are as follows.

1. I’m out of touch with them… and by out of touch, I mean you know that picture on the roof of the Sistine Chapel that Michelangelo painted?! Ok, so imagine that the buff looking dude on a cloud is me….. Not hard to imagine at all since my body is chiseled from stone…. Stretching my arm and hand out just to touch the fingertips of God, which will be replaced by a bunch of hot vag for this purpose alone, of course….. Except…. I’m painted on a chapel ceiling in Osh Kosh, Wisconsin and the hot vag on the cloud that I’m trying to touch is on the chapel ceiling in Italy….

That’s how out of touch I am with chicks…. They don’t get me, I definitely do not understand them…. And what I mean by that is I feel like the kid with special needs that gets his schedule jacked up at the beginning of school year and all the geniuses pour into Trigonometry class and take there seats…. And then they hear a clattering at the door and here I come bumbling, stumbling in with my arm braces and headgear on…. I take my seat, the teacher starts talking about trigonometry nerd stuff and I just start crying, screaming out “ I DON’T UNDERSTANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! “ … and everyone else just points and laughs at my misfortunes….

2. I’m too nice, as a guy, to actually be with a girl…. And this is a case, that those who knew me in the past, will scoff at, but it’s true and pathetic now…. I’m like that World Series pitcher that wins like 3 world series, sets the strikeout record for the World Series and pitches a no hitter, IN THE WORLD FUCKING SERIES….. But, the glory days have passed and now I know I’m on the last legs of being relevant to my certain sport ( pounding hot vag ), because I’m standing on the mound in Buttfuck, Iowa, pitching for some Single A baseball team that uses a goddamn handcrank to get the lights turned on to illuminate the field….. I’m like the Kenny Powers of pounding vag, a reference some will get and it’s true…. I used to be an all star to the poon, won world series of the poon, in the hall of fame of banging vag and now…. And this is the most pathetic truth of it all…. I’m giving massages to attractive girls, sprouting massive boners and then leaving by kissing them on the forehead and tucking them in for the night….. It’s like I’m some father-like figure to them…. They seek refuge in me and my peen is like a Vietnam war vet, having flashbacks and it’s like ‘ oh yeah here it comes!!!!! ‘ and then, when I leave with nothing happening….. If it had arms, they would be outstretched like ‘ ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh man, what the figgidy-fuck?!‘ …..

The old matt, would have been like ‘ look, I did you a favor, now you do me favor, which is actually me doing you another favor, by bestowing upon you, the honor to suckle upon my peen ‘ …. But, I just don’t have it in me anymore…. I mean, I do…. But, should I really let that come back out?! I’m thinking if I ever hop on the vag train, I’ll bust open a cabin car and be like ‘ Im back, bitchesssssssssss “ with my dick all swinging-swanging with the rumble tumble of the moving train and a “ baskin robbins next served “ number dispenser thingie hanging around my neck…. Make an impact!

3. Most girls are only really in it for two things….. free stuff and dick … And since I refuse to be second string dick or used for stuff, I really don’t see me sticking my toes into the warm waters of the VAGicific ocean anytime soon….

I just don’t get the whole ‘ I just need dick ‘ mantra…. Because, let’s face it, no matter who I’m talking to, you’re definitely going to have had more * insert sexual organ of preference here * , than I have in the last year…. And yet, I’m not out wearing one of my world famous homemade shirts that says ‘ I need some poony , inquire within ‘ ….. Why?! Because what’s the point?! And fishhands, I know you’re shaking your head going ‘ mmm mmm mmm, he still doesn’t get it, sex is sex , there’s no point to it at all, besides busting a nut ‘ and I agree to a sense, but I’ve just gotten too old to just not have it mean anything anymore….

I mean, I don’t think girls understand things, I really don’t… I know, I’m a man, therefore by nature, I’m smarter than a female ( a little sexist humor, never hurt anyone ) , but come on….. You hold the power to everything in between those sweet thighs of yours.... When Prince Adam of Eternia held the Sword of Greyskull into the air and screamed out ‘ I HAVE THE POWAHHHHHHHHHH ‘ , trust me, that was a metaphor for sex, he had just gotten to pound some hot vag … You girls hold the power to life everlasting there…. So, why just give it up to some schlub who is like some hunter of rare minks, or in this case decent to average vag, and has a rucksack hanging across his shoulders and after he’s through with you, he just takes your vag, shrugs and tosses it into his rucksack with the hundreds of others he has collected?! Is that where you want your precious to wind up at?! In a pile of discarded, and lets face it, statistics say, probably over 40 percent diseased vaginas?! Don’t think so!

Trust me on this…. I have an impeccable and world, renowned penis, the center for disease control has rated it 5 stars…. You could eat a meal off of it and it’s often been compared to the gold standard of penis, of course, that’s by me, but still, I’m self deprecating, if you haven’t been able to tell and I will extol and trumpet the shit out of my peen, it’s a rare catch…. It’s like an albino unicorn…. Rarely seen, yet majestically beautiful and wondrous and when you’re around it, a sense of euphoria overtakes you, but I’m not out there just giving free samples to everyone…. You gotta earn the right to have it…. And in the meantime, I will keep high fiving my poster of Bill Gates while I’m masturbating …. You can do the same…. And I encourage it…. It’s healthy and it won’t end with you being curled into the fetal position in a bathroom, crying, sobbing and screaming out ‘ why is he not texting back?! ‘ as you thrust your cellphone to the heavens and then throw it against the wall as mascara and tears stream down your face….. There’s a much happier outcome with my solution…. SLEEP….

4. I don’t understand how I don’t have a plethora of girls falling at my feet…. This is not me being cocky…. Just confident…. And don’t get me wrong, I could get girls, but I’m all about quality over quantity, hence my current predicament….

I’m a gentleman, no bones about it, I was raised a momma’s boy, so that has taught me to treat females with more than a modicum of respect. I hold doors, will call you things like ‘ madame ‘ and ‘ my dear ‘ and generally worship the ground you walk on, because I’m loyal like that….

But, no…. It seems girls don’t want that really…. They really do enjoy the type of guys who are all about the vag, and that’s all they care about…. They really don’t care if the guy is true to them or if he’s out getting poon on the side, just as long as they ‘ think ‘ they’ve bagged themselves a catch, they’re quite content…. Until the day your vagina gets tiresome to them and they completely leave you in shambles, which will happen, 99 percent of the time…. The other one percent?! Those are the ones who have the girls who are reading this thinking ‘ not my man, he’s not going anywhere ‘ … Hi!!!! The storm is coming, it’s just a little slow moving….

After the guy leaves them, usually after many warnings from my mouth to their ears, they’ll then look to me as the crying shoulder….. And I’ll hear things like ‘ why can’t I find a good man?! ‘ …. ‘ I’m cursed, I date nothing but losers…. ‘ …. You know, I’m no genius, but I wanna grab them by their face and go ‘ LOOK!!!!! It’s really simple…. You want to find a good man, then stop dating shithead ones….. ‘ If I buy a certain product and if it fails me the first time, I MIGHT try it again, thinking I got a bad one, but if it fails me again, I’ll never use it again…. Why?! There’s a history of failure with that choice…. I’m assuming girls in general keep buying products and general knick knacks that fail them over and over, right?!... No?! Well then why is it different with men…. If you’re dating losers and guys who only use you for sex, and you REALLY want and desire more out of a partner, then why the fuck don't you make a different decision?!..... I’ll tell you why… It’s because girls, as a whole, are insane…. Check out the definition of insanity and then come back here and tell me what you got….

And I can’t date an insane chick anymore…. Did it once, but I learned…. Plus, I love my dick too much and crazy girls snip dicks off when they snap…. I can’t chance that…. TRUE STORY…. I was at Vanderbilt for a surgery once, was walking down the corridor in my hospital gown, when I heard someone shout ‘ there he is with the baby!!!! ‘… Some cops come running over and stops me, they pull up my gown and start high fiving me…. I’m curious as to what this is all about and I inquire…. One cop replies ‘ well that guy back there said he saw a guy walking down the corridor smuggling a newborn baby stuck between his legs, but….. after checking it out, it’s just your enormous penis ‘ ….. Ok, that wasn’t a true story…. They thought I was smuggling out a platypus, not a baby…. Sorry, I want the facts to be stated correctly….

Look, I’m a good guy, how girls don’t see this is beyond me, which is why I’m done with them and their magical, harry potter, vaginas ….. Just ask The Colorado Kid…. I think she can speak well to the true nature of my character…. I will give her massages, just because she likes them and I like giving them and sometimes, welllllllllllllllllllllllllll, pretty much all the time, I will bust a boner ….. Instead of trying some lame attempt to score some vag, I go to the bathroom, take a wicked boner piss, which usually winds up all over the toilet seat, I will then wipe it up ( what a gentleman, right?! ), then return to tuck her in and lock her door as I leave….. Who gets ‘ best guy friend of the year ‘ award?! Ummm, the guy who won it the previous 10 years…. ME….

And that’s me in a nutshell…. Mr. Nice Guy who tucks you in, while Mr. Bad Guy crawls in your back window and fucks the shit out of you …..

This is not a permanent thing, I’m sure I’ll come out of retirement at some point, when the right vagina passes a litany of tests to prove it’s worthiness, but until then….. Girls, keep being whores and expecting not to get whore-y results and I’ll continue to scoff at you and masturbate to you as well….

Look, this blog is all in fun.... Don't take it seriously.... I do believe most of this to be true, but it's my opinion and we all have those... I'm just tired of dealing with shit.... As a wise homeless man once told me when I didn't give him some money ' ho's is gone be ho's.... bitches is gone be bitches.... that's why i just don't give a fuck playa... i play my game '... If you're offended by this or think it's in reference to you, don't.... It's just a general take of what I see from the female species nowadays.... That's all....

My Note To Shitty Parking People

I'm printing off a bunch of these to leave on assholes cars who park like arrogant pricks.... help yourself to some....

I wish I could park like you….

But, then I would have to give up caring about anyone and anything and only care about myself….

Your parking is atrocious beyond belief, and I feel as if I could get sued by the ‘ Anti-Defamation league for the word Atrocious ‘ for defamation of character….

The way you park makes God wish he hadn’t rested on the 7^th day and wrote another commandment about how shitty parking people go to hell

The way you park could get licenses for dogs and cats approved… They see the way you park and propose to congress a bill allowing them to drive citing ‘ see the way this asshole parked?! We can do better than that and we don’t even have opposable thumbs! “

The way you park has led me to write this to you, but considering there’s a high probability, you’re borderline functionally retarded by the shitty way you parked, I’m guessing this was all for naught as you probably can’t read…. Because, let’s face it, if you can’t put something in between two lines, you surely can’t read the English language….

I’ve never seen a car be parked this horrible before…. But, then again, I’ve never seen a person drive a car with no arms and legs, but from the look of it, I have just witnessed the parking job of one…..

I know you’re probably angry after having someone read this to you, and I wouldn’t blame you. I hate when someone points out my flaws…. You know, like the flaw of wasting my time trying to convince some uncaring shithead driver the proper way to park their car between two lines, that any functioning adult with an IQ on the level of a household cat could do…..

Nothing Personal!

- M

Mid Life Crisis....

I’m thinking about hiring Indiana Jones to go on a journey for me…. If anyone knows how to get in touch with him, please send his info to me, ASAP. I need his bullwhip and fedora and muted whispered speech patterns to go go on a journey I like to call ‘ Indiana Jones and the Search For Matt Nichols Life ‘

Where did it go?!

I’m having a middle aged crisis, a little off schedule, and don’t know what to do, where to go or what steps to take….

But, trust me when I say this, I’m not throwing a pity party, although if an open bar is involved, I might consider it….

No, No…. I brought this all on myself…. I realize that, because, like the title to my upcoming memoir states “ One Man’s Ongoing Journey, Laying A Foundation For How Not To Live Your Early Years Of Life “ …..

The problem has been located, but I don’t know what to do about it….

I’m eternally immature…. I have what most call a ‘ Peter Pan ‘ complex, and while I wish that actually referred to the peanut butter brand, it does not…. It deals with the fact that I’ve been socially stunted by my inability to ever really escape or grow out of childhood….

And here’s my problem….

I’m old, but don’t fit in with the old crowd…..

I act young, but definitely don’t fit in with the young crowd….

And such is the crux of my issue….

How does it get solved?! Where’s Indy and Short Round when you need them?!

I see the evidence everyday, everywhere I look, most notably facebook though…. Kids I went to school with leading successful lives and being happily married, living in khaki pant corporate land and living the American dream….

Me?!

Everyday I wake up and pray, I’m a religious sort…. Definitely not OVERLY religious, but I have faith, so I start off with a prayer….. At the end, I quickly ask God to send his messenger to be like “ alright dude, you played the game long enough, we’re kinda sorta sorry, but you were highly entertaining going through all the hairbrained situations we put you in…. Here’s a million dollar check and you’re free to have a great rest of you life “ ….. And I’m still waiting….

* makes two finger movement to eyes and then points them to a velvet picture of Jesus *

“ Yep, I’m at looking at you, kid “ …..

Yes, I’m convinced up in Heaven, I’m the star of some reality TV show called something like “ HE DID WHAAAAAA?!?! “ ….. And it’s all just about me and the laundry list of things I do to contribute to my social lack of growth…..

Here’s a short list….

- I wear silly bandz…. The local teen at Fat Mo’s who serves me those delicious burgers is always trying to trade with me…. I like this type of interaction with people… She thinks its cool that I wear them…. The problem – She’s 16….

- I have wrestling posters hanging in my room…. ‘ Nuff Said…. In fact, this is the first thing they warn you about if you ever, EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR want to get vag “ never hang up wrestling posters…. Ever….. Serious fines and penalties can be levied upon you by your dick if you do this “

- I wear homemade shirts…. I think they’re awesome…. Only I wear them to work, I wear them in public and I wear them pretty much everywhere…. Currently, as I type this, I’m wearing a ‘ Troll 2 ‘ homemade shirt…. At work…. Surrounded by people in business suits and khaki pants and Izod shirts….

- I idolize Fred Durst …. See the Wrestling example up above….

- Currently I’m holding a contest to see who can win my drawing of ‘ Halloweiner ‘ – a hot dog possessed by Evil Halloween Spirits…. People my age, in their free time, study stocks, contemplate their 401k and start bracing for middle age…. And I’m drawing possessed hotdog pictures….

Those are just a few examples of why I don’t fit in with ANYONE….

Because, I’m old…. And yet, I’m mentally in 7^th grade still….

That brings me to hanging out with younger people….

This usually ends disastrously as well…. Because, I don’t fit in well with this age group either…. With my hat turned around backwards, I can give the impression I’m young…. However, when I start waxing ecstatic about my massive VHS collection and how much I adore VHS and want to start a VHS ‘ appreciation society ‘ , because it keeps me clinging onto my childhood….. Or, if I simply take my hat off, they usually expose me for being a fraud….

So, that’s where I’m stuck in between a rock ( people my age ) and a hard place ( the younger crowd ) …..

This all just recently came to my realization today when I was listening to ‘ Puddle of Mudd ‘ …. More specifically, the song ‘ Blury ‘ …. It brought me back to Madison’s mom…. Who, in the later days of our failed relationship, while listening to this very song told me that, AND I QUOTE, ‘ you do know that this is going to ruin you when we split…. You’re immature, you act like a child, you’ve never been successful on your own and you love wallowing in your immaturity…. You’ll be alone, you won’t have another significant relationship and I’ll be happy. Why? Because I’ll be rid of the person who was weighing me down from advancing in life. You were an achor that was firmly entrenched on the ocean floor and I just cut the chains…. “

“ Why, Hello Salt…. Meet Wound…. Feel Free To Mix It Up “

While, she could have saved the overdramatics and the lengthy declaration of self righteousness by simple saying ‘ peace, im outtie, you suck ‘ … She was quite Nostradamus in that prediction…. The Mayans are like “ man, everyone thinks we’re geniuses because our calender maker got carpal tunnel syndrome and had to quit…. We ain’t got shit on this girl “ …..

This is all just a long winded diatribe to basically say…. Just because I walk around with a smile on my face and act like everything’s awesome…. Sometimes, it’s not….

No one calls me to hang out…. EVER…. I’m the one who initiates the hangouts….. And usually those are extended when I know that the other person has nothing else going on…. And it’s ok, it’s the cross I bear for being the way that I am…. I make no apologies for being a HUGE kid and liking what I like…. And, I’m more than likely never going to change….

But, it would be nice to have the life that everyone seems to enjoy outside of myself..... But, I guess until that happens, I’ll continue to set the groundrules for how not to live your life and be the walking, talking example of ‘ see that guy?! Yeah… you don’t want to grow up and be like him ‘…..

I guess it just wears on me seeing social lowlifes and pariahs having tons of friends and being fake and having tons of opportunities with chicks and just with hanging out with numerous people…. And here I am…. Yep, huge kid, my looks faded years ago ( although lets face it, I’m still cute, admit it ), I’m a dork and just a weird and strange guy with eclectic likes from Professional Wrestling To Comic Books To Literature to Sports to Art…. I’m like that old book you put on a shelf and forget about for years…. The spine and cover has deteriorated over the years from non use, but you decide to open it up one day and get drawn in by it’s awesomeness and you remember how awesome it was and can’t put it down….

People will take that as me thinking too highly of myself, but it’s just confidence…. I’m awesome, I’m a good person, I care about people…. But, something got mixed up awhile back…. Someone switched tracks on me when I wasn’t looking and now I’m just an out of control train going nowhere fast on a path I’ve never seen before….

From The Golden Child to Black Sheep, it’s been a steady and wild fall…..

How To Survive A Zombie Outbreak

I've come up with a list of things, you must do to survive..... Being a world renowned leader in the area of Zombie Logistics and Culture, I felt it was really needed for me to give you this information....

- The first thing,and really the only thing you should do, you know, if you want to survive if there is a Zombie outbreak is find where I live.... Being a world famous Zombietologist, I have special skills that are needed to combat the undead hordes that will be roaming the streets.... This offer is only good to those who are...

- Not Fat
- Not Ugly
- Have Vaginas
- Have Had Less Than 4 Sexual Partners
- Have Low Standards About Who They Will Have Sex With
and
- Don't own " The Notebook " on DVD

Why do I have these rules? Simple.... I'll explain them one by one

- We're going to be stuck somewhere for quite some time, devising escape plans and coming up with tactics to defeat the living dead.... I don't want fat girls, because they'll eat up all my canned goods in a short amount of time.... And get easily winded while running to safety, thus slowing down everyone else and jeopardizing all our lives.... The only thing fat people are good for in a zombie outbreak is decoy bodies... Toss a fat person into a crowd of zombies you are trying to pass, and watch them all converge on the fatty, because it's like the buffet line at Golden Corral for the zombies... Then we can all skeedaddle past to safety... Thanks fat person! look, we found a use for you!

- You must have a vagina, because let's face it.... Repopulating the world will be a task we must take seriously, and the last time I checked guys weren't spouting out babies from their penises.... That's because God loves us more, remember?

- The reason you can't be ugly is because, I don't have sex, for re-population purposes, with ugly broads.... Plus, who wants the first kids, of the new world, to be hideous looking monsters, because your ugly genes overruled by strikingly handsome ones??? Yep... No One.... Plus, if you withhold sex from me, because I hurt your feelings one night, and you're ugly, how am I supposed to masturbate to your image in my head? Yeah, not going to happen.... I'll have to like go to a window that overlooks a crowd of zombies and find some hot zombie girl whose shirt is tore or something and her boobies are exposed and I'll have to wank off to that, and nobody wants that.... So please, if you're ugly.... Don't come find me....

- The reason you have to have less than 4 sexual partners in a life time is simple.... I can't contract an STD, while staying in hiding, or EVER for that matter, because you were a slut before the zombie outbreak... But especially while hiding from the living dead.... Imagine if you will, I wake up in the middle of the night and have to take a piss.... It's dark, I go to the bathroom to use it, but don't turn on any lights, so as not to alert the zombies.... I'm taking a piss, then all of a sudden, I scream out like a little girl and turn on the bathroom light.... You've given me herpes, and it feels like megatron lazers are shooting from my penis everytime I tinkle and now I have herpes on my penis and we've just alerted all the zombies in a 50 mile radius to our location... Thanks A Lot, slut.... I'm feeding you to the Zombies while running to our next hideout....

- Have low standards in who they will have sex with.... This is a simple one.... I can't have a girl having standards when we're trying to repopulate the country.... " I don't have sex with guys who collect comic books " ... " I don't have sex with guys who sleep with a captain america blanket " .... " I don't have sex with guys who collect action figures " .... You see the problem we have here?!?! My reply would be simple.... " I don't have sex with bitches.... But guess who loves the taste of an extra bitchy slut? Zombies! " then I kick her in the back, as she falls to the ground and hordes of zombies move in for the kill....

- Why is owning the Notebook an automatic disqualification? Good question.... The Notebook has done one thing over the course of the ages.... It's made women into pansies.... Even more so than what they are.... But we're facing the world wide extinction of man and to a lesser extent, women, and no doubt things will get hairy for us while we are trying to survive... Some of our friends might be killed and I can't have a " Notebook " loving woman with me, crying her eyes out everytime something goes wrong and someone dies.... Give me a break!

Some people may think I'm sexist, because I only want women to be surrounding me during a zombie outbreak... Especially hot ones.... But seriously, there's a scientific method to it as well.... Hear me out....

We all know Zombies love brains... It's the only thing that cures the pain they feel from being the walking dead.... So who better to surround myself with, than women?.... I could like get in the middle of a circle of women, and be safe as we traversed the streets, looking for food, shelter and weapons, because the Zombies only react if they can smell brains.... Well, being girls and being brainless, go hand in hand.... Therefore, surrounding myself with brainless girls, is genius, they will mask the smell of my super human brain, therefore allowing us to move freely about the streets!

See! I'm not sexist, just a logical thinker!

- If a Zombie outbreak were to ever happen, please contact me for my address... I already have a plan of action for my house.... I live in a two story condo, so when the zombie outbreak occurs, me and my kids will be on the upstairs level.... All the hot girls who want to survive, will need to meet me at my place, an hour after the outbreak has taken place.... You will come in, use my stairs and meet with us on the upstairs level.... Then soon after, I will blow the stairs to smithereens and we'll be safe, because Zombies can't jump and they're not logical thinkers, because of the lack of a working brain, so there's no way they could reach us.... I have tons of canned goods ( see why fat girls are not allowed ) and a working bathroom and TV's... We would be set for at least a month or two.... And in that time, we can have lots of sex, and you could ummm use your expertise in things to help us all out, like ummmmm cooking for us all and knitting us clothes to keep us warm in the winter... You are a woman afterall, use your limited abilities and put them to good use! Mainly sex, cooking and knitting....

Unfortunately, knowing my luck, we'll be stuck up there, all my DVD's will be downstairs with the zombies milling about and because I was so concerned with the necessities, I will have forgotten to bring entertainment up to the upper level for us to watch and we'll be stuck with the only thing upstairs I have for entertainment.... A VHS copy of " Footloose " .... I don't know what's worse.... Getting eaten by a pack of Zombies or being forced to watch " Footloose " everynight....

I guess the upside to all of that is the fact, we could practice this bad ass scene from the movie over and over....





And then gather at the top of my stairs that overlook the horde of the living dead that are just milling about aimlessly in my living room and perform this scene for them... Something tells me the brainless living dead, would just stare in amazement at our awesome dance moves.... This would be an everynight type performance, that hopefully, over time, will warm the dead hearts of the zombies in my living room, thus making them have respect for us and letting us escape without attacking us.... Maybe they were Kenny Loggins fans?!?! Let's face it, they're brainless, so chances of that are pretty high.... And if anything, they're Kevin Bacon fans, because who isn't?! Thus, I think we'd form a special understanding with them through our performance.... And if not, at least we can die with some dignity, performing the footloose prom dance as we're being eaten....

You know, now that I think about it, having " Footloose " on VHS as our only form of entertainment, isn't so bad.... Because on top of the bad ass dance number we could do, to lull the Zombies into a false sense of admiration, I can also use this song....





To battle zombies with....

I can see it now.... We leave the comforts of my upstairs and do battle with the zombies, but the whole time I'm destroying them, a hot girl, can have my sons TV/VHS combo unit, resting on her shoulder and letting this song play over and over, as I destroy zombie after zombie, heads will be flying, arms and legs going all over the place and it's zombie carnage in the streets, and the whole time, Bonnie Tyler will be screaming about what I hero I am.... That would be very dramatic and kick ass!!!!!!

Then as we make our way to camp after camp of Zombie Survivalists, the word of the Zombie Killing Superhero will spread from camp to camp and as we come into each camp to help them out, the girls can walk in, in front of me, with this playing and doing an 80's style dance number, then part as I make my way through the center of them and announce my arrival to the survivalists camp and announce I'm here to save them from the Zombies.... They Need a Hero and As Bonnie Tyler will announce, in the form of a " Footloose " VHS tape.... I'm here to save the day....

The only thing I ask, is if you happen to be a hot girl surrounding me at that time, that when the song hits the part of " he's gotta be larger than life " you gesture towards my penis... That way everyone knows I'm well endowed... You know, I like to get the important stuff out of the way first....

The Patrons

- People that walk into a restaurant and go " We're in a hurry, can you help?! "

There are several ways I would handle this situation... Here they are....

1. If I was a host, I would simply reply....

" Sure, I can help, there's a McDonalds right down the street, now get the FUCK out of my restaurant "

2. If I was a waiter, I would reply....

" I don't know, we don't serve reasoning power on the menu, which it seems you're sorely lacking.... You see, this is a restaurant... Emphasis on " Rest "... A place where you come in, to kick up your feet, relax and enjoy a meal.... You are looking for " Fast Food " ....

Seriously.... What compels a person, who is in a rush to choose a restaurant as a feasible place to get in and get out within 20 minutes?! Oh, I know, it's the same person who walks into a bank at 3 p.m. on any given Friday, and as soon as he stands at the back of the line to get to a teller, starts complaining and bitching and moaning.... It's the same person who goes out to eat on a Friday night at 6 p.m. and expects their NOT to be a wait for a table... It's the fuckface who goes Christmas shopping on Black Friday, complete with Christmas Tree sweater and earrings then complains about the fucking crowds.... And it's the same fucking assholes that come into a movie 15 minutes after it starts, locates their asshole friends, then sits down and proceeds to loudly ask " what's happened so far " .... Seriously?! Where the fuck do these people come from?!

- People that go to Mcdonalds drive thru and proceed to tell the person taking their order " Can you give me a minute ? "

To which, I'd simply reply

" Sure, I mean it's not like we're McDonalds or anything, you know a fast food company you've probably frequented since you were a small child... A company that hasn't really subtracted anything from it's menu in the past 20 years, A company that markets all new products relentlessly on TV, Radio and Print.... You know, it's not like we're McDonalds or anything, a company that caters to it's lazy fuck patrons by assigning numbers to meals, just so you can memorize your favorite meals number, that way you cut out the extra .2 seconds it would take to go " I want the two cheeseburger value meal " .... No, it's not like we're THAT company at all, so take your time... I'll deal with the people behind you who are getting angrier and angrier by each increasing second, wondering why the fuck someone takes this long to place a fucking order at McDonalds when
THEY already know that they want, because.... Well..... They're not fucking morons.... So continue to peruse our giant menu board, which, if I might point out hasn't changed in the past 10 years and I'll continue to sit here and wait for your highness to place your royal fucking order "


- People that go someplace to eat and when the waitress approaches the table to take their order, they reply back " What do you suggest?! "....

Really?!

What do I suggest?!

I suggest you use your magical deducing powers to peruse our menu and decide what the fuck you want....

I'd suggest you order some fucking food... How's that for you?!

I suggest you don't engage me in meaningless conversation in a vain attempt to butter me up, thinking I'm somehow going to bring you extra condiments or maybe I'll overlook the fact you left me dick for a tip....

I suggest you order your own fucking food, because regardless of the fact that I work at a restaurant 40 plus hours a week and go home to a shitty relationship and have to pay bills off ridiculously shitty tips from pretentious assholes like you, I know how looks can be decieving, but I'm not Jesus H. Christ incarnate... I do not know what food agrees with you or what food allergies you might have... If I knew what allergies you have, I'd suggest you order the food that contains said allergen, so that way I can go home early, after my last customer of the fucking night... you.... dies "


- People that walk into a restaurant and immediately start looking around, never making eye contact with the host.... They go from looking at the lounge area with the bar to the dining area.... They then have a look of confusion come across their face.... That's when, after the 6th time of welcoming them to the restaurant, the host will be acknowledged as actually being a live, animated human... They will then ask the host " I'm supposed to be meeting a few people here * cranes neck to look around one more time * but I don't see them, can I go take a better look around?! "

At which point, if I were a host, I would flash a bright smile, and respond chipperly....

" Of course you may.................not.............. For, you see, we live in the 21st century.... A century filled with wonderful and amazing achievements in technology... Among these wonderful and amazing achievements, is a little invention that, I guess has flown under the radar.... It's " The Little Engine That Could " , if you will, for the electronic inventions of the 21st century.... A magical little device known as the cell phone.... With said, cell phone, you could have called your friends before you entered the restaurant to find out where they were located at, or because you're obviously way too important to place a phone call you could actually text them, to inquire about their position in the restaurant before you stepped foot inside, this would be done, of course, in between you accepting the " pretentious asshole of the year " award and being notified of your " overinflated sense of self importance " nomination... but seeing as how you couldn't even do the smallest and less taxing task of checking before you stepped foot in this restaurant, of where your friends were, I'm afraid I'm going to have to deny your request to look around for them... And I'm actually doing you a favor, because without a doubt, you'll go wandering aimlessly about my restaurant, almost in a zombie-like fashion, bumping into waiters and waitresses with hands full of plates, or blocking whole aisles, so you can stop and crane your neck about and lethargically move from side to side in almost a dream like state of awareness, as you try to locate your party, when there is a waiter or waitress with their hands full of a heavy tray full of food, waiting for you to move out of the way... And who's to say that we wouldn't have a zombie hunter among our patrons, who might see your state of zombie like mannerisms and mistake you for a real life zombie and put a bullet in your head.... We wouldn't want that, now would we?! No... So, I'm actually doing you a favor.... A. I'm introducing you to this wonderful and magical invention known as..... the cellphone and B. I'm saving you from being mistaken as a zombie and getting shot, because of your zombie like wandering about.... "

Then smile as you walk them back out the door, of which they entered....

- My next item that bothers me actually goes along with the one above....

People that go into a restaurant, look around for their party, do not find said party, then sit at the host stand and wait for their party.... After awhile, they will make some statement like " Well, I guess I got the wrong restaurant ".... To which, they will accompany said statement with a giggle or a laugh, and a host or hostess, will have to return complimentary laughter, but inside their head, they will be thinking if debraining you, would actually have any real world implications, as you are a brainless fucking moron....

These people make my life when they come in.... Because, they have to be, singlehandedly, one of the most retarded life forms in existence.... How the fuck, do you get the wrong restaurant.... It's not like the same name chain restaurants, are located anywhere near each other.... Surely not by more than 5 miles.... So, how exactly do you go to the wrong one?! Oh, because like the rest of the general restaurant going public, you're a fucking idiot....

Ok, well that explains a lot....

It's either that or you have some dickhead fucking friends who don't like you and told you the wrong restaurant, in the hopes you'd show up, sit around, get frustrated that none of them showed up, then leave.... And when you call to find out where they really are, they won't answer, they'll let it go to voicemail or won't return your text, then when you see them at work the next day, they'll claim they left their phone somewhere or the battery was dead....

But really, you're the big winner, you friendless waste of oxygen... For as you see, all you really missed out on was a self high five convention, where phrases like " am i right?! " and " Bro " and " Oh My GAWD " were bandied about in between giggles, guffaws and self important " me Me ME!!!!! " shouting ......

The Week That Was.....

This is going to be a weekly thing where I highlight, and probably more appropriately titled, lowlight the week that was…. Some people told me they’d be interested in following my life, I guess they’re gluttons for punishment or they like reveling in others embarrassment….. Either way, here it is….

Captain Awesome’s Week That Was…..

Saturday ( 10/9 ) – Watched Tennessee get smoked by Georgia and at this point in the season, it still hurts to see them lose, but around the 4^th Quarter start, I was just laughing at the football buffoonery that I was witnessing….

- Helped my dad cut up a tree…. He was using a handsaw…. A HANDSAW to cut it down…. In 2010…. A HANDSAW….. This is akin to someone saying they’re going to wash the clothes, then pulling out a metal tub and a washboard….. He kept throwing wayward limbs in my general direction, where I shouted up to him “ You’re going to kill me, madman! “, then he’d take a sip of his Old Milwaukee attached to his ‘ car cup holder / waistband beer holder ‘ and shouts back “ Trees never kill anyone, dumb@ss! “ …. Soon after, I run inside and pull up “ 500 people killed annually worldwide from trees “ on his computer….INTERNET JUSTICE SHALL BE MINE!!!! …. He sees article later and loudly exclaims ( while drinking another beer ) “ Yeah, it says this on a site called ‘ yahoo ‘ …. You know what yahoo meant when I was a kid?! It meant ‘ CRAZY!!!!! “ , like this stupid internet made up junk, who counts this stuff anyways?! Waldo?! He seems to be everywhere! “ …. * sigh *

- Hung out with The Colorado Kid that night…. She’s a cool cat. She offers me good conversations and those are highly underrated…. If way hotter guys were to take this approach with girls, instead of a girl going “ hi, my name is * insert girl name here * “ and then they respond with “ wanna fuck?! “, they might actually get laid far more often that what they actually do….. We sat around, drank some beer and I’m pretty sure she was completely horrified with my Fred Durst impersonation to ‘ Break Stuff ‘ …. And by ‘ horrified ‘ , I absolutely mean completely turned on…. It was just shortly after that she told me I was ‘ second string dick ‘ , not in those exact terms, but that’s the gist of it…. Most, might have taken this badly, but I was ok with it, considering I was probably 85^th string before that rousing performance….

Sunday (10/10 ) – The Braves…… Where to begin….. Trailing 2-1 I nthe bottom of the 8^th, my boy, Eric Hinske hits a 2 run homer to put the Braves up 3-2 going into the top of the 9^th….. All the Braves had to do, to take a 2 games to 1 lead in the series and only need to win one more game to advance to the Championship series, was to record three outs, THREE OUTS, in the top of the 9^th….. What happened… A calamity….. A travesty….. And both those adjectives, when deciphered by multiplying the number of letters in each word by 12, divded by 67, multiplied by 5 and then completely rearranged spell “ Brooks Conrad “ ….. He made a Bill Buckner – like error that led to the Giants winning the game and breaking mine and thousands of other Braves fans hearts….. I also got so pissed when he made that error, that I slammed my fist down on a desk and sliced open my finger….. I put the receipt in an enveloped, for the bandaids I had to purchase, and sent them to the Atlanta Braves and Brooks Conrad, let’s see if I get reimbursed….

- Went to Hooters and after Calebrity, who tried everything in his power to not show up and hang, he finally decided that hanging with me was a tad more fun, than sitting alone in his newly acquired and still not unpacked apartment….. We had fun…. I think we should start a podcast with us sitting at Hooters talking, but then I think “ we’d probably be sued by everyone we know for defamation of character “ ,so it’s probably best for us to continue to shit talk everyone and admire the talent in orange shorts…..

Monday ( 10/11 ) – Typical Monday….. Just wanted to make it through…. Worked, then went to the gym, then watched Wrestling…. I really don’t get why EXTREMELY overweight people go to the gym…. I was annoyed that I had to use another machine, because there were two EXTREMELY large women using mine…. And here’s my problem for that…. I’m all for them working out and trying to better their health and get hot, so I can potentially bang them after they get skinny, but still have fat-girl low self esteem I can exploit…. So anyways, these two girls, as is the case with most OVERLY large people at the gym, are on MY machine and barely moving the feetpad up and down, I mean we’re talking about they were probably going about, and this is being generous, -.25 MPH….. And the whole time…. Talking about the new Frito themed menu items at Taco Bell….

Seems really productive to losing weight, right?!

Tuesday ( 10/12 ) – Worked and then Hung out with THE Tenacious D…. We’ve been friends for awhile…. We first met when we both worked at Old Navy in Opry Mills and I’ve always found her friendship to be important, and I knew she’d be a good friend because she didn’t get weirded out when I first approached her to talk….

I was going through a BADLY RIDICULOUS breakup…. And I had overheard her going through or had gone through the same thing and we were around the same age, so I decided to talk to her about that… In the most logical way EVER in approaching the subject, I left her a rolled up note half hanging out of her locker at work, because that’s not entirely too creepy or anything, right?! …. ANYWAYS, the reason I chose this route, is because I was a mentally destroyed person at that time, that’s what happens when the circus moves into your living room one night and your significant other tells you she’s been cheating on you with 7 different people…. So, leaving a note, seemed normal….

So, instead of being creeped out and filing a restraining order, she was actually nice and we started talking and developed a friendship, that I’m sure to this day, she sorta/kinda regrets forming, because I’m like that mangy, flea covered dog with glaucoma and a burned tail that you feed one time and continues to come around and you’re like “ oh great….. here we go “ …. Everytime he shows up….

So yeah, we hang out and I spend about three hours unveiling this master plan I’ve been working on for a few months and spent a lot of hours formulating….

Her response…. I’m pretty sure she’s still laughing at the absurdity….

Eh…. That’s why I’ve always respected her…. Most friends would be like “ yeah, sounds good “ just to be supportive…. Not her…. She’ll bust your balls and make you question everything…. And, if I wasn’t the smartest person alive, I MIGHT listen to her….. HA

She picks up my beers, which is what she did three weeks ago…. Pretty sure she’s a high roller…. She’s in the law field, so I think everyone employed at a law office is off the charts rich, even file runners…. They make a million, right ?! and the lawyers make a gazillion billion a year….. I think that’s correct….

But Tenacious D is one of my best three friends…. And I value her friendship and opinion on things, even though most of the time they are different than mine, which makes them incredibly wrong…. Right?!

Wed ( 10/13 ) Work, Work, Work….. I actually like my workplace and the work, so I hardly ever complain about it… I just spent most of the day waiting to go to Karaoke….

Which I did… With The Colorado Kid…. I told her to prepare her mind for the awesomeness of what she was about to witness when I take the stage…. I don’t know if I should take this as a slight, but she ordered 2 screwdrivers and a margarita before my first song….. I took it as her trying to match the feeling she was about to get by watching the GREATEST and HOTTEST karaoke performer of all time take stage…. And, of course, that was a losing effort, because NOTHING can match that feeling of unabashed delight….. I rocked it to “ Heart of Rock N Roll “ , “ T-R-O-U-B-L-E “ , “ America ( duet of Neil Diamond POWER ballad with the greatest karaoke DJ around – Jason ), and “ Nothings Gonna Stop Us Now “ …. I was a little let down by my last performance….. Because I am so great at what I do, I overstep my abilities sometimes…. I can’t carry a duet without a partner and that’s what I tried to do on the last song…. It was hard switching from a normal voice to a high pitched voice…. It was rough…. That’s why I only give that performance a 9 out of 10 stars, compared to the 10.5 out of 10 stars I normally award myself….

Got rug burns on my knee, and no it’s not from what you think, I rocked out the air guitar on the final song and hit my knees for a guitar solo…. Ah, what I won’t do for my craft…. I lay it all on the lie…. A warrior, A champion…..

We leave, I take The Colorado Kid home and she puts on a Japanimation movie and it was good until I fell asleep petting a pussy...... CAT..... Her cat, sheesh... get your mind out of the gutter ya filthy animals!

Thursday ( 10/14 ) – Spent all day working and the only highlight of this day was counting down the hours until I get the kids Friday and listening to Walt Flanagan’s hilarious story about his Postal Service experience done on the special episode of ‘ Tell Em Steve Dave ‘ …..

Let me take this moment to extol the virtues of the best podcast on the planet…. I love ‘ Tell ‘em Steve Dave ‘ ….. Adore is probably a better word…. When a new episode is not available, I usually will listen to an archived one and laugh my head off at the absurdity….

It’s a comedy podcast about life in general done by Bryan Johnson and Walt Flanagan, two of Kevin Smith’s longtime friends….. How good is this podcast?! for those that know me, I worship at the bathrobe waist - tying string thingies of Kevin Smith… But these two guys have completely won me over and replaced ‘ Smodcast ‘ – The Kevin Smith/Scott Mosier weekly podcast, as the best podcast and funniest podcast around…. If you just want to laugh your head off and revel in the stories of debauchery and irreverent humorous anecdotes that happen in their life, this is the show for you…. Plus, they have Brian Quinn on the show, who is the hair follicle version of me…. He’s never met a vag he didn’t want to pound and he’s drawn to attached/married vag more than just the normal everyday vag that anyone can have….. A man after my own heart….

Anyways, for those that respect my comedy opinion, I suggest you listen to this podcast and prepare to laugh your head off as tears stream down your face as you try to keep the shit escaping your shute inside your ass because it’s that funny at some points….

http://www.smodcast.com/stevedave/


Friday ( 10/15 ) - IT'S KID DAY... THe best days ever.... I get the kids today for the weekend.... It's badass. They're the best kids God could ever create... You know, with the help of my Superman semen.... Actually, that's a horrible analogy, because Superman is so queer and stupid... He's an alien, how can anyone rally behind an extraterrestrial.... An extraterrestrial whose weakness is a mineral.... A MINERAL, let that sink in for awhile....