Mid Life Crisis....

I’m thinking about hiring Indiana Jones to go on a journey for me…. If anyone knows how to get in touch with him, please send his info to me, ASAP. I need his bullwhip and fedora and muted whispered speech patterns to go go on a journey I like to call ‘ Indiana Jones and the Search For Matt Nichols Life ‘

Where did it go?!

I’m having a middle aged crisis, a little off schedule, and don’t know what to do, where to go or what steps to take….

But, trust me when I say this, I’m not throwing a pity party, although if an open bar is involved, I might consider it….

No, No…. I brought this all on myself…. I realize that, because, like the title to my upcoming memoir states “ One Man’s Ongoing Journey, Laying A Foundation For How Not To Live Your Early Years Of Life “ …..

The problem has been located, but I don’t know what to do about it….

I’m eternally immature…. I have what most call a ‘ Peter Pan ‘ complex, and while I wish that actually referred to the peanut butter brand, it does not…. It deals with the fact that I’ve been socially stunted by my inability to ever really escape or grow out of childhood….

And here’s my problem….

I’m old, but don’t fit in with the old crowd…..

I act young, but definitely don’t fit in with the young crowd….

And such is the crux of my issue….

How does it get solved?! Where’s Indy and Short Round when you need them?!

I see the evidence everyday, everywhere I look, most notably facebook though…. Kids I went to school with leading successful lives and being happily married, living in khaki pant corporate land and living the American dream….

Me?!

Everyday I wake up and pray, I’m a religious sort…. Definitely not OVERLY religious, but I have faith, so I start off with a prayer….. At the end, I quickly ask God to send his messenger to be like “ alright dude, you played the game long enough, we’re kinda sorta sorry, but you were highly entertaining going through all the hairbrained situations we put you in…. Here’s a million dollar check and you’re free to have a great rest of you life “ ….. And I’m still waiting….

* makes two finger movement to eyes and then points them to a velvet picture of Jesus *

“ Yep, I’m at looking at you, kid “ …..

Yes, I’m convinced up in Heaven, I’m the star of some reality TV show called something like “ HE DID WHAAAAAA?!?! “ ….. And it’s all just about me and the laundry list of things I do to contribute to my social lack of growth…..

Here’s a short list….

- I wear silly bandz…. The local teen at Fat Mo’s who serves me those delicious burgers is always trying to trade with me…. I like this type of interaction with people… She thinks its cool that I wear them…. The problem – She’s 16….

- I have wrestling posters hanging in my room…. ‘ Nuff Said…. In fact, this is the first thing they warn you about if you ever, EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR want to get vag “ never hang up wrestling posters…. Ever….. Serious fines and penalties can be levied upon you by your dick if you do this “

- I wear homemade shirts…. I think they’re awesome…. Only I wear them to work, I wear them in public and I wear them pretty much everywhere…. Currently, as I type this, I’m wearing a ‘ Troll 2 ‘ homemade shirt…. At work…. Surrounded by people in business suits and khaki pants and Izod shirts….

- I idolize Fred Durst …. See the Wrestling example up above….

- Currently I’m holding a contest to see who can win my drawing of ‘ Halloweiner ‘ – a hot dog possessed by Evil Halloween Spirits…. People my age, in their free time, study stocks, contemplate their 401k and start bracing for middle age…. And I’m drawing possessed hotdog pictures….

Those are just a few examples of why I don’t fit in with ANYONE….

Because, I’m old…. And yet, I’m mentally in 7^th grade still….

That brings me to hanging out with younger people….

This usually ends disastrously as well…. Because, I don’t fit in well with this age group either…. With my hat turned around backwards, I can give the impression I’m young…. However, when I start waxing ecstatic about my massive VHS collection and how much I adore VHS and want to start a VHS ‘ appreciation society ‘ , because it keeps me clinging onto my childhood….. Or, if I simply take my hat off, they usually expose me for being a fraud….

So, that’s where I’m stuck in between a rock ( people my age ) and a hard place ( the younger crowd ) …..

This all just recently came to my realization today when I was listening to ‘ Puddle of Mudd ‘ …. More specifically, the song ‘ Blury ‘ …. It brought me back to Madison’s mom…. Who, in the later days of our failed relationship, while listening to this very song told me that, AND I QUOTE, ‘ you do know that this is going to ruin you when we split…. You’re immature, you act like a child, you’ve never been successful on your own and you love wallowing in your immaturity…. You’ll be alone, you won’t have another significant relationship and I’ll be happy. Why? Because I’ll be rid of the person who was weighing me down from advancing in life. You were an achor that was firmly entrenched on the ocean floor and I just cut the chains…. “

“ Why, Hello Salt…. Meet Wound…. Feel Free To Mix It Up “

While, she could have saved the overdramatics and the lengthy declaration of self righteousness by simple saying ‘ peace, im outtie, you suck ‘ … She was quite Nostradamus in that prediction…. The Mayans are like “ man, everyone thinks we’re geniuses because our calender maker got carpal tunnel syndrome and had to quit…. We ain’t got shit on this girl “ …..

This is all just a long winded diatribe to basically say…. Just because I walk around with a smile on my face and act like everything’s awesome…. Sometimes, it’s not….

No one calls me to hang out…. EVER…. I’m the one who initiates the hangouts….. And usually those are extended when I know that the other person has nothing else going on…. And it’s ok, it’s the cross I bear for being the way that I am…. I make no apologies for being a HUGE kid and liking what I like…. And, I’m more than likely never going to change….

But, it would be nice to have the life that everyone seems to enjoy outside of myself..... But, I guess until that happens, I’ll continue to set the groundrules for how not to live your life and be the walking, talking example of ‘ see that guy?! Yeah… you don’t want to grow up and be like him ‘…..

I guess it just wears on me seeing social lowlifes and pariahs having tons of friends and being fake and having tons of opportunities with chicks and just with hanging out with numerous people…. And here I am…. Yep, huge kid, my looks faded years ago ( although lets face it, I’m still cute, admit it ), I’m a dork and just a weird and strange guy with eclectic likes from Professional Wrestling To Comic Books To Literature to Sports to Art…. I’m like that old book you put on a shelf and forget about for years…. The spine and cover has deteriorated over the years from non use, but you decide to open it up one day and get drawn in by it’s awesomeness and you remember how awesome it was and can’t put it down….

People will take that as me thinking too highly of myself, but it’s just confidence…. I’m awesome, I’m a good person, I care about people…. But, something got mixed up awhile back…. Someone switched tracks on me when I wasn’t looking and now I’m just an out of control train going nowhere fast on a path I’ve never seen before….

From The Golden Child to Black Sheep, it’s been a steady and wild fall…..