How To Survive A Zombie Outbreak

I've come up with a list of things, you must do to survive..... Being a world renowned leader in the area of Zombie Logistics and Culture, I felt it was really needed for me to give you this information....

- The first thing,and really the only thing you should do, you know, if you want to survive if there is a Zombie outbreak is find where I live.... Being a world famous Zombietologist, I have special skills that are needed to combat the undead hordes that will be roaming the streets.... This offer is only good to those who are...

- Not Fat
- Not Ugly
- Have Vaginas
- Have Had Less Than 4 Sexual Partners
- Have Low Standards About Who They Will Have Sex With
and
- Don't own " The Notebook " on DVD

Why do I have these rules? Simple.... I'll explain them one by one

- We're going to be stuck somewhere for quite some time, devising escape plans and coming up with tactics to defeat the living dead.... I don't want fat girls, because they'll eat up all my canned goods in a short amount of time.... And get easily winded while running to safety, thus slowing down everyone else and jeopardizing all our lives.... The only thing fat people are good for in a zombie outbreak is decoy bodies... Toss a fat person into a crowd of zombies you are trying to pass, and watch them all converge on the fatty, because it's like the buffet line at Golden Corral for the zombies... Then we can all skeedaddle past to safety... Thanks fat person! look, we found a use for you!

- You must have a vagina, because let's face it.... Repopulating the world will be a task we must take seriously, and the last time I checked guys weren't spouting out babies from their penises.... That's because God loves us more, remember?

- The reason you can't be ugly is because, I don't have sex, for re-population purposes, with ugly broads.... Plus, who wants the first kids, of the new world, to be hideous looking monsters, because your ugly genes overruled by strikingly handsome ones??? Yep... No One.... Plus, if you withhold sex from me, because I hurt your feelings one night, and you're ugly, how am I supposed to masturbate to your image in my head? Yeah, not going to happen.... I'll have to like go to a window that overlooks a crowd of zombies and find some hot zombie girl whose shirt is tore or something and her boobies are exposed and I'll have to wank off to that, and nobody wants that.... So please, if you're ugly.... Don't come find me....

- The reason you have to have less than 4 sexual partners in a life time is simple.... I can't contract an STD, while staying in hiding, or EVER for that matter, because you were a slut before the zombie outbreak... But especially while hiding from the living dead.... Imagine if you will, I wake up in the middle of the night and have to take a piss.... It's dark, I go to the bathroom to use it, but don't turn on any lights, so as not to alert the zombies.... I'm taking a piss, then all of a sudden, I scream out like a little girl and turn on the bathroom light.... You've given me herpes, and it feels like megatron lazers are shooting from my penis everytime I tinkle and now I have herpes on my penis and we've just alerted all the zombies in a 50 mile radius to our location... Thanks A Lot, slut.... I'm feeding you to the Zombies while running to our next hideout....

- Have low standards in who they will have sex with.... This is a simple one.... I can't have a girl having standards when we're trying to repopulate the country.... " I don't have sex with guys who collect comic books " ... " I don't have sex with guys who sleep with a captain america blanket " .... " I don't have sex with guys who collect action figures " .... You see the problem we have here?!?! My reply would be simple.... " I don't have sex with bitches.... But guess who loves the taste of an extra bitchy slut? Zombies! " then I kick her in the back, as she falls to the ground and hordes of zombies move in for the kill....

- Why is owning the Notebook an automatic disqualification? Good question.... The Notebook has done one thing over the course of the ages.... It's made women into pansies.... Even more so than what they are.... But we're facing the world wide extinction of man and to a lesser extent, women, and no doubt things will get hairy for us while we are trying to survive... Some of our friends might be killed and I can't have a " Notebook " loving woman with me, crying her eyes out everytime something goes wrong and someone dies.... Give me a break!

Some people may think I'm sexist, because I only want women to be surrounding me during a zombie outbreak... Especially hot ones.... But seriously, there's a scientific method to it as well.... Hear me out....

We all know Zombies love brains... It's the only thing that cures the pain they feel from being the walking dead.... So who better to surround myself with, than women?.... I could like get in the middle of a circle of women, and be safe as we traversed the streets, looking for food, shelter and weapons, because the Zombies only react if they can smell brains.... Well, being girls and being brainless, go hand in hand.... Therefore, surrounding myself with brainless girls, is genius, they will mask the smell of my super human brain, therefore allowing us to move freely about the streets!

See! I'm not sexist, just a logical thinker!

- If a Zombie outbreak were to ever happen, please contact me for my address... I already have a plan of action for my house.... I live in a two story condo, so when the zombie outbreak occurs, me and my kids will be on the upstairs level.... All the hot girls who want to survive, will need to meet me at my place, an hour after the outbreak has taken place.... You will come in, use my stairs and meet with us on the upstairs level.... Then soon after, I will blow the stairs to smithereens and we'll be safe, because Zombies can't jump and they're not logical thinkers, because of the lack of a working brain, so there's no way they could reach us.... I have tons of canned goods ( see why fat girls are not allowed ) and a working bathroom and TV's... We would be set for at least a month or two.... And in that time, we can have lots of sex, and you could ummm use your expertise in things to help us all out, like ummmmm cooking for us all and knitting us clothes to keep us warm in the winter... You are a woman afterall, use your limited abilities and put them to good use! Mainly sex, cooking and knitting....

Unfortunately, knowing my luck, we'll be stuck up there, all my DVD's will be downstairs with the zombies milling about and because I was so concerned with the necessities, I will have forgotten to bring entertainment up to the upper level for us to watch and we'll be stuck with the only thing upstairs I have for entertainment.... A VHS copy of " Footloose " .... I don't know what's worse.... Getting eaten by a pack of Zombies or being forced to watch " Footloose " everynight....

I guess the upside to all of that is the fact, we could practice this bad ass scene from the movie over and over....





And then gather at the top of my stairs that overlook the horde of the living dead that are just milling about aimlessly in my living room and perform this scene for them... Something tells me the brainless living dead, would just stare in amazement at our awesome dance moves.... This would be an everynight type performance, that hopefully, over time, will warm the dead hearts of the zombies in my living room, thus making them have respect for us and letting us escape without attacking us.... Maybe they were Kenny Loggins fans?!?! Let's face it, they're brainless, so chances of that are pretty high.... And if anything, they're Kevin Bacon fans, because who isn't?! Thus, I think we'd form a special understanding with them through our performance.... And if not, at least we can die with some dignity, performing the footloose prom dance as we're being eaten....

You know, now that I think about it, having " Footloose " on VHS as our only form of entertainment, isn't so bad.... Because on top of the bad ass dance number we could do, to lull the Zombies into a false sense of admiration, I can also use this song....





To battle zombies with....

I can see it now.... We leave the comforts of my upstairs and do battle with the zombies, but the whole time I'm destroying them, a hot girl, can have my sons TV/VHS combo unit, resting on her shoulder and letting this song play over and over, as I destroy zombie after zombie, heads will be flying, arms and legs going all over the place and it's zombie carnage in the streets, and the whole time, Bonnie Tyler will be screaming about what I hero I am.... That would be very dramatic and kick ass!!!!!!

Then as we make our way to camp after camp of Zombie Survivalists, the word of the Zombie Killing Superhero will spread from camp to camp and as we come into each camp to help them out, the girls can walk in, in front of me, with this playing and doing an 80's style dance number, then part as I make my way through the center of them and announce my arrival to the survivalists camp and announce I'm here to save them from the Zombies.... They Need a Hero and As Bonnie Tyler will announce, in the form of a " Footloose " VHS tape.... I'm here to save the day....

The only thing I ask, is if you happen to be a hot girl surrounding me at that time, that when the song hits the part of " he's gotta be larger than life " you gesture towards my penis... That way everyone knows I'm well endowed... You know, I like to get the important stuff out of the way first....