The Greatest Pickup Line Of All Time... Oh Wait!

So the other day while Calebrity, The Colorado Kid and Myself were at Hooters, I opened my mouth and much to the chagrin of Calebrity, it wasn’t to put a dick in it, it was to utter the greatest pick up line of all time, that I invented all by myself.

What was this pickup line that would crush cosmos and moisten the vag of girls around?!

Well, you know how that commercial goes ‘ Every kiss begins with Kay ‘ ? Well, it’s an offshoot of that….

Let’s say you see some girl you want to hit on at a bar…. What are you gonna do?! Well, you just walk up and punch her in the face….

( cue rim shot )

Let’s say you see some girl at the bar who you want to hook up with…. How are you gonna do it?!

Use my line…. That’s how….

Approach said girl, with being entirely too creepy…. This means

Do not approach girls breathing heavily at the mouth with a crazed wild eyed look on your face

Do not approach girls with a boner poking out from under your sweatpants….

Do not walk up to a girl and tell her what she was doing last night at 8:45 pm CST in the upstairs bathroom of her house….

If you avoid these type things, you can use this line and come away a winner…. OR SO I THOUGHT…..

My theory was simple… Just walk up a girl and go “ Wanna make history with me?! “

She’ll probably laugh and ask what you mean

Then you’ll inform her “ well, you know how that commercial says ‘ every kiss begins with kay ‘ “ ?

She’ll no doubt nod her head up and down, because who hasn’t heard that annoying jingle on the radio….

Then you just lean over, give her a quick peck and go ‘ Bam! We just made history ‘

Then run…..

Kidding….

If you’re just the tiniest bit attractive and not creepy, then she’ll laugh and think it’s cute….

If you look anything like me, she’s probably giving you a blowjob or at the very least a rub through the jeans at the bar ... But, I digress….

So, I tell Calebrity and The Colorado Kid this, and I can’t remember who said it, but they totally Pearl Harbor’ed the greatest pickup line I invented…. With the following line….

“ Well, I think the point of that song is to say that every kiss begins with K, like as the letter K, the first letter of the word K “ …..

I laughed nervously, tugged on my collar, took a huge gulp of beer and quickly took my defeat like a man with loud crying and sobbing and pounding of fists on the table….

Kidding….

But, they did get me and totally rained on my parade….

But, then I quickly thought ‘ girls are dumb, they’re not gonna be able to figure it out that quickly ‘ and then I quickly gave myself a self high five and decided to put my plan into action….

You know, when I deem a vag worthy of being pounded with my immaculate and glorious peen

Also, while we were there, I had three Hooters waitresses rub and caress my chest of steel…. Some people who haven’t seen me in awhile will be like ‘ dude, you were fat when I last saw you ‘ …. And, I’d agree, I was kinda chunky potato soup…. But, going to the gym has made me into the Greek God that I am today….

I was bragging about the hardness of my chest to Calebrity and I told him to touch it…. At which point, he started with his claims of me being gay and faggoty..... I told him, that he was the one being gay and faggoty, because I said touch, but he automatically, in his head, assumed I meant squeeze, rub, manhandle and caress my chest…. I meant touch…. With a finger….

And watch it snap from the pressure of pressing upon pure titanium alloy steel!!!!!!

He passed, at which point out waitress, gladly took his spot and got two of her cohorts to feel…. They were ooo’ing and ‘ ahhhhh’ing and I thought ‘ well they’re being nice, they have nice chest themselves….. But, then I noticed that my feet were sitting in a puddle of vaginal fluid, and knew they were being honest and sincere in their adulation and really, they were being understated and humble….

I’m proud of my body transformation over the past year…. Yeah, my face is still kinda cherub-like…. But, that runs in the family…. However, I pull this shirt up and women faint, babies cry and the grand canyon becomes wet with vag juice …..

There is some truth to the rumor I’ve heard floating around the ‘net saying I turned down a role in the movie ‘ Unstoppable ‘ coming out this weekend, starring Denzel Washington and Chris Pine, about a runaway train that must be stopped before it kills, like a lot, of people or something…..

I had to turn the role down…. For, you see if I had been in the movie, it would have been completely unbelievable because people would have seen it and scoffed within the first 5 minutes going ‘ that dude could just step in front of that train, whip his shirt off and stop it with his manly man chest of doom….. ‘

And they’re right, so I did what was best for the movie and decided not to be in it….

Ahhhhhhh the sacrifices I make….